A big heart!

My little Bridger boy has a heart the size of Texas. He always sees the best in people, even when he shouldn't! He gives people more credit then they deserve, this includes me! He is just like his Grandma and has a soft spot in his heart for kids with special needs. Michelle told me a story that melted my heart. My Mother had the privilege of helping many special needs children in her career. One child happened to be my sister Michelle's best friends little girl. Michelle told me that Jenny told her how Bridger likes to hold Taylor's hand while they walk down the hall. He is very protective of her. I told Bridger how Grandma loved Taylor and helped her when she was little, and now he is glued to her. He will come home and tell me stories of Taylor and Julian. Julian is a little boy also in Bridger's class that has special needs. Bridger tells me of the things Julian likes to do, and how they are friends. I guess Julian likes to play with barbies and my little pony's. Instead of Bridger making fun of a boy for playing such things, Bridger joins in. Two weeks ago Bridger came home with a little note he had written himself, a little reminder of sorts. I asked what it was, he opened up and read. "March 17th is Julian's birthday." He said Mom can I please get him a gift. I said sure bud, thinking he would forget. HAHAHA, well he didn't he reminded me 2 times. Last night as we were headed to take Lacey to volleyball Bridger says "Mom what's the date?" I say "It's the 16th, why?" "Oh my gosh we have to go get Julian a present!!!" I say "ok, can Dad do it, I am tired and have lots of things to do!" "So I can't pick it out then?" was his reply. I felt so awful, so I gave in and we all went to walmart to pick out a toy. He was dead set on a Barbie or a My Little Pony. I wasn't sure how Julian's parents would feel about this, but Bridger was adamant! So a My Little Pony it was. As we wrapped the present for Julian, you could see the pure love and excitement Bridge had. He look at me with his huge brown eyes and said " Mom, I am so excited! I am going to help make this Julian's best Birthday EVER!!!" I knew in that moment my Mom was a very proud Grandma! Her big tender heart has been passed down to Bridger! I can't tell you how much I love that little boy!

Today....

Today I am thankful beyond measure....Today I am sad beyond compare....Today I feel so blessed.....Today I am worried for loved ones.....Today I understand that I truly have no idea what it's like to suffer....Today I am praying for all of the many people whom have lost loved ones, homes, their lives as they knew them. As I watch the video's of the aftermath from the 8.9 earthquake that hit Japan last night as I was snuggled in my warm bed with my sweet family safely inside, I am shocked to the core. It has opened my eyes to how easy my struggles in this life really are right now. I know that money troubles are no fun but never have I had to worry if I could feed my children or if we would have a warm place to sleep. I pray with every fiber of my being that I remember this lesson today. I really truly do have so many things to be thankful for in this life! I pray that all of the people of Japan and the other countries that have the threat of tsunami's wreaking havoc on their lives will find safety and shelter. My their burdens be lightened by my thoughts and prayers.

$88.00

Strange title I know, so let me explain.....It all started a few years ago when both of Matt's business went under. One do to the Economy and one do some one's sticky fingers(that our locals finest never did anything about, but hey I guess it's not illegal to embezzle money or forge documents, or steal someone ss# and open false accounts.) It has been a rough time for my little family, a little to hard sometimes. Matt got lucky here and there with jobs. He did really well for over a year when he was building a house for someone. It wasn't the kind of money he was used to making, but hey it kept us a float. During Christmas I had to take on another job for fear my kids wouldn't even have a tiny Christmas. It was a struggle! I missed my kids and Matt. I decided it wasn't worth not seeing them for days at a time just for Christmas, so they would have to do with even less then I thought, but they are kids and they would be ok. When I came to terms with not being able to give them all that my heart desired my eyes were opened to all the good around me. I had an Aunt and Uncle give us some money as well as a very dear friends family. I was so happy to have an answer to my prayers. I know this sounds silly it's just toys and such but I wasn't sure how to explain to my 7 year old that the DS he had on his Christmas list for a whole year wasn't going to come. It was very hard for Matt and I to swallow our pride and admit we needed help, but we did. I am truly blessed with such amazing people who love and care for me and my family. I hope to one day pass that Christmas gift forward.

Anyway back to $88.00...Matt has been out of work for over 4 weeks now, nothing has panned out and no one has extra money to fix up their homes. We were living on my measly paychecks, which I am so grateful for, how ever after adding up my bills for the next two weeks, we will have a sad total of $88.00 left to live on for two weeks of food and gas and anything else that seems to pop up!!! Are you kidding me!?!?! $88.00!! How was I going to stretch that? It takes $40.00 just in my gas tank for the week! I was beyond sick about it, I was in tears everyday! Pleading with the Lord to help us out! Just when it seemed their was no light at the end of the tunnel for us, Matt got a call on Friday March 4th. He is now a full time employee for Simplot Don Plant. Can I tell you how Michelle and I did a dance in my office! Thankfully no agents showed up! HAHAHA! It is still going to be a hard few weeks since he doesn't start until the 21st, but he had a job line up for next week, so we will make it! I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to not only be able to pay my bills but to put some away in savings! I am excited to think of all the things I can now provide my kids that I was worried about, you know like summer clothes! Haha, oh the little things!! I can't wait for my account to have more than $88.00 left! Here is to a great and wonderful 2011!!!!

*SIGH*

Well here we are again, It's February.....SIGH! I will pull myself out of the sadness and post all of our December adventures and Tyler's birthday....sometime.....

ARRGHH!

My stinky computer is broken! I don't even know if this will post! Just a quick note to remember how I am feeling on this eve of Lacey's gallbladder surgery! I am sick about it! Just sick! I need my Momma by my side to hold my hand and tell me it will be fine. I am worried! What if something happens?? What will I do? I know it will be fine, just that nagging voice in the back of your head ya know? Do you have that voice too? Poor Lacey is very worried also, so I am holding my head high in hopes she won't notice my anxiety about the whole thing! I am thankful our wonderful neighbor Taylor is doing the surgery! Lacey is very good friends with his daughter so I know she is in good hands!! Just a Momma being worried about her kiddo is all! Well keep your fingers crossed! She will be in surgery at 8:30 am! If I am not on here again until Christmas, I pray you all have loved ones surround you on Christmas! I pray all your hearts are full of love and joy! Merry Christmas my friends!
Love Kim

Catch up...

Ok so I have decided why I have procrastinated so long to catch up, there is simply a ton to catch up on! I have also really questioned some of the events that have yet to be told. I want to save the memory, but I don't want to offend, hurt or confuse anyone that might read it. So if I do any of the above please know these are/were my feelings I can only process so much at a time, and dang it I did the best I could! So here goes let the catch up begin!

On September 30, 2010 my Dad got MARRIED! Crazy uh! He met a nice lady named Zeffie online and they met for the first time on July 3 ,2010. I knew right away after he got home it had been a different date then his other "first" (or only as we called them) dates. He actually liked her, when I asked if he would see her again his immediate reply was not "Um NO!" like the others had been. I was glad Dad was dating. I didn't find it odd or bothersome by any means. I hated watching him be alone. He eased us kids into his dating, it's not like Mom had only been gone a month! It had been 2 years, I was ok with him trying to find love. At times he wondered if it was really what he wanted, was he really ready for that? Mom left such a huge hole in his life, he missed her so much, everyday! He was very happy after his walk with Zeffie, he liked her. It soon grew to a I am heading to UT to see Zeffie every weekend, or she would come stay with her Daughter that lives close by. I kinda had a feeling we were headed towards a marriage. I didn't however think the weekend after my 31st birthday I would get a phone call from Dad saying "Just wanted to let you know Zeffie and I are getting married" *OK now here comes the I don't want to upset anyone part, but if I am going to keep it real I must tell it like it happened.* I then sucked it up, and said "Oh Dad, I am so happy for you" Which I was 100% happy for him, but the tears where on the verge of letting out, I knew I had to get off the phone RIGHT away. I didn't want to let him know I was sad, because at that moment I myself didn't know why I was sad. I sobbed, I fell to the floor and just cried the second I got off the phone. I knew this day was going to come, so what happened? Why was I so upset? I couldn't make sense of anything. I knew that once again, my life was going to change. I hate change, in fact I loathe it! So there was that looming over me. I knew I was sad because Dad would obviously be moving. My kids already lost their Grandma and now their Grandpa was leaving them too! That was one reason I was so sad the other took a long time for me to process. Then the real reason came to the surface, I don't know how long it took for me to realize the pain. It was the finality of it. I had to come to terms that YES MY MOTHER WAS REALLY DEAD! She wasn't on some long vacation having a good time that she was going to return from, I have to live the rest of this life without her! That was a very hard thing to come to terms with. Even now as I type it I'm crying again. Lacey was a little concerned how Zeffie would fit in, would she try to take the place of her closest friend? She was not very happy. Bridge was sad his best Grandpa was going to be gone. Poor little Cylie didn't have a clue. Let me just tell you, my Dad and Cylie have this bond that I can't explain. I know with all my soul that Cy was sent to us to heal our hearts, and for Dad she was a good part of the reason he got up in the morning some days. Now fast forward 2 and a half months. We miss Dad alot, but we have a new member of our family that has meshed well! She makes my Dad so very happy! Cylie loves her to pieces she calls her Grandma Zeppie. Let me tell ya it's very sweet to see Zeffie interact with the kids. I am so thankful to her for loving my kids even though they aren't her children's children. Lacey loves hanging with Zeffie she thinks she is very cool! I was a little nervous how Bridge would do with it all, but when I tell him Grandpa is coming home, his first question is, Is Zeffie coming too? He loves to see her too! It has been nice to see my Dad smile again. Zeffie has complemented him so nicely. Zeffie lost her sweet husband 8 years ago, so she understand the pain Dad has, she never seems to feel jealous of the love Dad has for Mom and would never try to take her place. For this I will always be grateful! So dear reader I have a Step Mom! HAHAHA! Weird to say uh! Here is a picture of the cute couple.I know with all my heart Mom would love Zeffie, they would've been friends, they are similar! I am happy that Zeffie has joined our family, now let's just see if she can hang with the Crazy Barton Clan! HAHAHA! Good luck!!!

Lessons...

Ok dear world here I am in all my funk! Haha! I haven't been writing because I didn't want to be all doom and gloom all the time on here, well last night I learned something, well I am not sure if I learned anything yet, time will tell if I change my ways. Anyway what I came across changed my thinking on sharing my doom and gloom...hold on tight I will explain! A few days ago I realized I couldn't find a purchased Christmas gift! I can't help it, it's hereditary! My Mother always was loosing gifts she had stored in a "special" place that she wouldn't forget! Anyways my searching lead me to my parents bed room, I was digging in closets and under things. Well I found an envelope that contained letters my Mom had written to my Grandma along with other things my mom and or grandma had kept from the years. Our weeding announcements, baby shower invites, some of Michelle's basketball memories that had run in the local news, some thank you notes and a special card I had made my Grandma! Haha it was priceless! I loved reading my mother's written words to her mother. One letter was almost to hard to read. It was a letter she had written after Kurt died. As hard as it was to read, I didn't want to stop. How I long for any connection with my Mom. In another letter I loved reading how excited she was that the kids and I were coming to stay with her the next weekend. Another told how excited she was the Christmas that Brook and Bridger were born. I know my mother loved each and everyone of us! I know she was devastated when her grandson was taken from us. I know she was soooo excited to get two new grand babies for Christmas, but to read it, to have physical proof that she really did feel that way, it was simply AMAZING! I wish there was a whole room filled with things like this but sadly it was contained to a small manila envelope. As I sat there on her bed, I felt her say well Kimmie what are you gonna do? I tell ya what I am going to do.....I am promising myself to be better at journaling, even if it's in the form of this blog. It will be here for my kids to read and say "oh man my Momma does love me"! So there it is my friends the lesson I am choosing now to learn! I must leave behind something for my kids to read and have a connection with, I must also do my best while we are all together to show them my love and let them feel special! As I have learned time can be cut short, and I don't want my kids to ever feel alone. I want them to have many things to look back on and have physical proof that I love them all and let them know that life isn't always going to be sunshine and fun, even though I wish it were! Sometimes things get dark and sad, but you know what IT'S OK! Maybe the things I have to deal with will help them somehow! But what if I am not here to share it? Well that's when they will have to look to my written word for advice! So here it is Christmas time, my Mother's favorite time of year, that I try to love as much as I did before she left. I won't lie, it's hard, really really hard. But I will find the time to enjoy it. I will find the joy in my little ones hearts as they love this time of year. I will be posting a lot more from now on so keep in touch!