Missing her....

Have you ever missed someone so much for so long you begin to wonder if they were ever really real? My Sister Lori found a CD of pictures today that were taken at her in-laws cabin. We went there for a little family retreat after we found out Mom had cancer. They are such fun pictures, but this one....

makes my heart ache. It makes me miss her more then words could ever even being to describe. I miss hearing her voice, her laugh. I miss seeing her smile and her eyes light up when she sees the people she loves. I miss just sitting with her. This time of year is really hard. I know it is for many, I just guess I thought it would get easier. I am so thankful for all the many lessons she taught me. The biggest lesson I have taken from her is, family is and always be my  number first priority. Nothing and no one can ever replace my family. I have been blessed into an amazing family. I just can't help but to wish we had more time with her. She was the glue that held us all together. Such an amazingly bright soul! No wonder God wanted her back so soon! I still can't help but to want her here for my very own though. Happy Holidays to all of you my dear friends. My God's love comfort you and keep you safe.

Worried....

I have been a basket case for a week now, the thought of sending my babies to new schools is freaking me out! I never had to do that growing up, so I am unsure of how to help calm their nerves. Bridger is playing it cool, however I know he is worried. He is my internal worrier! Poor Lacey has made it known how nervous she is, I know they will both do great, I just hate the idea of them not having friends the first week or so. Being the odd man out at lunch time. Not having friends to walk to and from class together, or walking around alone at recess. The anxiety is killing me! I so wish I could do this first week for them. I pray they don't find bad friends. I pray they feel right at home and find that one great friend to carry them throughout their life time. I am second guessing my moving us. I know they will be fine, well I keep telling myself that! So if you have some time this week, could you send up an extra prayer for them! I sure hope my Mom is on her toes this week and keeps my babies safe!

Our Little CY!

Today my sweet baby turns 5! I can't believe it's been that long, I know we all say that, but it's true! My life is barely recognizable today from what it looked like when I found out I was pregnant with Cy. We still owned a home and lived in Driggs, Lacey was the only kiddo in school, I was cleaning  houses for work, just got done going to nail school. Matt owned and operated  his flooring business. My Mom was still with us. Lori lived in Minnesota, Michelle and Travis both lived in Blackfoot. It's just nuts. The day Cy was born, was the first time I had to do something hard without my Mom physically there to guide me and pick up my slack with the other 2 kiddos. It was the first time I had to change my emergency contact information. It was the first time I really questioned how I was going to be a Mom without her here!!! I sobbed so hard when they asked if Connie Barton was still a good emergency contact person for me. Here I was 9 months pregnant, hormonal, tired, scared and once again reminded she was gone. Cy was sent to our family to heal our hearts, I know this to be true! I also know the months that my Mom and Cy spent in Heaven together Cy learned so much about my Mom and who she was and what she loved. Cy will ask me all the time about my Mom. She will say things like "How did Grandma Connie know I would love her bear so much Mom?" or "Grandma likes to color too Mom!" It takes me back when she will recall things about my Mom that there is no way she could know about! When Cy was born, she came out with this little red mark on her forehead, at first I was kinda sad thinking oh no, my baby has a birthmark on her face...upon reviewing the mark more, it brought tears to my eyes, her sweet little birth mark is in the shape of a heart. We tell Cy it is where Grandma kissed her right before she came to earth. I believe that with my whole heart! Cy is such a fun, mischievous, smart, loving little girl! She caught on very early in life what teasing was all about! Cy used to love to ask Grandpa for the remote, then run like a mad woman away from him, just because she could! Cy is so excited to be 5 today! She feels so grown up, which she is, and it makes me sad! I feel like it's just going way to fast! I am so honored to be her Mother. She forces me to remember the good things in life! Happy Birthday my sweet Cylie!!

LIFE....

Life, it's a funny little thing isn't is....man I am grateful for mine!

Love notes....

One of the many hard things that I have been worried about with this new phase of life was...will I loose Tyler....will he still want to have a relationship with me? It has been very heavy on my heart. I love that young man! I have loved him since he was 3 and I was his "dirlfriend"! I knew it was a possibility that I could loose him. It's been a pretty rough month with health issues and issues with Matt not going so well, and yesterday when I was pretty down and out I got this email from Tyla Jay ( we have called him that for years!)

Mom,

I've done a lot better This week and I received a blessings and its most definitely helped! We taught a total of 34 lessons this week! We have 6 people on date and 4 are in the month of May and on the same week!

Don't worry about me though Mom, I'm sorry you are going through so much right at this moment. Know you are always in my prayers. YOUR son is always here. You raised me as well. You are blood to me Mom. Always will be!!!!!

Love you!

Elder Tyler Jay Melicharek

 

I cried when I read this, big ol crocodile tears. That boy has such a special place in my heart. The fact that he loves me and doesn't want to let our relationship go either, makes this process a little easier. I am grateful he is on a Mission away from this drama. He has such a tender heart so I know this would be killing him. I am so glad he is in tune with what I needed and sent me a note to reassure me. I am so grateful to his Mother for sharing him with me. I am now faced with sharing my kids...and let me say, I didn't realize how hard of a task that was. In fact I should probably reach out and Thank Angie! Tyler is such an amazing son, brother and friend. I am grateful he calls me Mom!

It's all in my mind....

So for the past few years I have tried very hard to try and be optimistic....the problem is, the harder I try to see the good and have a happy attitude, I am thrown with another loop and hurdle to get through. It's kind of frustrating! It makes me want to give up on trying to be make the best of life's lumps. However, I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer...you know the one, that NEVER, NO MATTER what, has a nice thing to say about anyone or anything! So alas I try to hold my head high despite the fact that my life is kinda in the dumps right now. Both personally and physically. I am sure the physical part is a result of the personal part. It's sad and depressing to think I did this to my body. I have made it sick. I have eaten my emotions for the last oh I don't know 7 years!!! I feed my emotions, happy, sad, lonely, miserable, excited, celebratory, confused, lost, desperate.....all of them, I FEED THEM! It's a horrid cycle. But it's time to put my life back in order. Allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. I may not understand why I am feeling it, but I need to at least acknowledge and validate them, then choose to let them go or find a way to make things better, or just plain enjoy the emotion. I have poisoned relationships by cutting people out that I should let in. I have let myself down for not fully living, but by just merely "getting through" life. I need to stop. It's an awful empty way to live. So weather life chooses to keep throwing me hurdles I am still going to try to remember to HAVE AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!!!

Learning....

My life has been full of learning about myself as of late. It's a journey I didn't realize I needed to go on until I was in the middle of it. I have learned, I am bitter, easy to judge, harsh in my words, and hard on myself. I have forgotten that this life needs to have joy and laughter in it. Not so many put downs and anger. I need to let go of things I can't change or mistakes I have made and carried with me for years. Mistakes don't define a person. However they do change you and shape who you can become, for good or bad. Depending on which road you choose. I heard something the other day that made me ponder about my life....The storm doesn't define who you are, it reveals who you are. I am not sure I like what this storm has revealed. The great thing is I can change it! I can and I will. Life is good. It might not be what I imagined it being....in fact I can say it doesn't even slightly resemble what I pictured what my life would be like. But that doesn't make it a bad life...it's just different. So here is to putting my best foot forward. I am sure I will stumble, and even fall. But I will get back up and keep trying. The only thing standing in my way is myself and it's time I get the hell out of my own way!!!! :)

So much change....

Well it's almost been a year since I posted. I was never sure what to say, I didn't want to over share, or alarm any one. So I kept to myself. Let's just say this last year has been a hard one. I learned a lot about my self, my family, my kids and who my friends are. I am still in scary unfamiliar water at times. I am unsure of myself and my choices. I pray to one day know for certain I made the best choice. Sadly I am sure that affirmation won't come until I meet my maker, if it is to come at all. I have learned I may not know everything, but what I don't know or understand I have a great support system that can shed light for me. I am once again learning what wonderful sisters and best friends I have. Becky has been so insightful, never judging, always loving and always team Kim. I am sad to say when she has met adversity in her life I haven't always been around. I am truly grateful that we are so close now. I value her advice and friendship beyond any measure. I was truly blessed when Becky came into my life in the 3rd grade! I have been really wishing I had my Mom's love and guidance this last year. It's been hard not to have her in my corner in a physical sense, I know she is still here, it's just not the same. I am so glad my Sister's have been here for me though. My life would be incomplete without them. As my kiddos and I move forward with our new phase of life, I hope to be able to update more and share our journey. I hope you have all been well. This week is the dreaded hell week. So far, there have been no crying fits of rage or sadness. So as long as we can survive tomorrow, things might start looking up.