I am a SURVIVOR!

Ok well the hardest part of this last week is behind us. I am not going to sugar coat it, other than one year ago it was the hardest week of my life! I laughed I cried, I stuck my head in the sand to try and ignore it, I played with my kids to ignore it, I cleaned my house to pretend it wasn't happening. They all worked....well kind of! What it all boils down to I guess is, It is what it is and all I can do is survive! Lacey came bounding out of her room early Valentines day morning, looking quite the mess! I asked what was wrong, knowing full well what was wrong! She says "MOM it's VALENTINES DAY!" at that moment I knew no matter my feelings on this horrible day I was going to have to make it Ok for Lacey. This was a good thing, it gave me a purpose, a goal for the day. I wasn't going to have much time to "think". I looked at her and said, "yes honey I know what day it is. But I also know how mad your Grandma would be at you if you decided to spend this day of love being so sad and grumpy. It is what it is Lacey and we can't change it all we can do is make the best of it!" I think she was shocked by my answer. She looked at me and said "I know but it still stinks!" I say "Yes your right it stinks as bad as your dad!" she laughs and drys up the tears. I spent the day hugging my little Cylie and holding her while she slept, I played as many games with the kids as I could. I gave Dad the gift I made him and he hung out for a while in the morning. I made a yummy dinner and Lacey made cupcakes. Dad came back over for dinner and watched some annoying guy show with Matt. All in all it could have been a much worse day I suppose! Lacey and I talked about grandma when ever we had a great memory, Bridger was oblivious and Matt walked on egg shells. Now if we can just get through the next couple of days worth of memories I can stand before you and truly declare I AM A SURVIVOR!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Today is my sister Michelle's birthday. I wish I could dedicate a whole post just to her on her birthday, but sadly she will always and forever be cursed to sharing her birthday around such a horrible time for our family. I want to share with you all what makes Michelle and I such great sister's and friends. Growing up I wouldn't necessarily call Michelle and I friends! She was the sister that played "the" game that I wanted nothing to do with! I must say life would have been easier had I just shut up and follow her lead and play "the" game as beautifully as she did. It would have been very nice to be able to stay out as late as I wanted, have an endless supply of "grade" money, not 1 but 2 cars bought and paid for, for me. But alas it wasn't my style. Even then it was my way or the highway! Having not played the game it put some stress on our relationship. I knew she was better than me in most things, which is probably why I didn't participate in "the" game, I knew she would do it better. She was better in school, sports, church, she made smarter choices than I did. Somewhere along the way of adult hood I pulled my head out of the sand and realized that yes she did a lot of things better than I did but she didn't do EVERYTHING better. Mom and Dad loved me too it was just harder for them to give me rewards when they weren't always deserved. Some where along the way I grew up and got over it. I am not sure when, I can't really remember a time in my adult years that I don't remember having a close relationship with Michelle. Lori says we bonded over the loss of Michelle's son Kurt. Maybe we did, or maybe we were just growing up and had more in common than we did when we were younger. Whatever and however it happened I am so eternally grateful it did happen. Michelle is one of my biggest cheerleaders. She lifts me up when I am down, she cheers for me to get up when I have fallen. I can't imagine not seeing her everyday or at least calling her on the phone. We drive to and from work together and have lunch together almost every day during the week. She is an amazing mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. My sister's and I are so super close which I love. I can't imagine living this crazy life with out having them by my side. So to my sister Michelle I sing "Happy Birthday to you (cha cha cha) Happy Birthday to you (cha cha cha) Happy Birthday dear Michelle, Happy Birthday to you! Thanks for being such an amazing sister and friend!

In Tears

Here I sit at work crying....again! This time it is tears of joy...kinda! I was sitting here at work and someone came in, I went to the front to see who I could help and here was this little man with these beautiful yellow and white Shasta daisies. My heart sank because these are my mom's FAVORITE! My mind immediately went to all the times driving home and turning on to Alexander with the house lined with white Shasta daisies. I loved those days! I thought for sure they must be for Tiffany, to my surprise they are for me! My heart is filled with joy, my mind is filled with sweet memories and my eyes are filled with tears! Christine I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for my wonderful flowers! They are everything I needed today, how you knew I will never know! You are amazing!

PAY IT FORWARD

A friend of mine has this on her blog and I thought it sounded like so much fun. So this is how it works: The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a handmade gift from me during this year. When and what will be a surprise.

There's a small catch...You knew there would be didn't you? Post this on your blog then come back and leave a comment, telling me you're in. Fun, huh? Remember, only the first 3 comments receive a gift.

Happy Birthday to my Mom

Today we would have been celebrating my Mom's 58 birthday. I am heart sick today that she is not here to let the grand kids blow out her candles and sing happy birthday to her! However heart sick I am, my Mom would want me to be happy today, she would want me to carry on the best I can and make the day a special one! So in her honor I think I will buy a cake tonight (why buy it? Because I am to lazy to make one! Although a warm chocolate cake right from the oven with nothing on it does sound good! That was one of Mom's favorites!) and let the kids blow out her candles and we will all tell one of our favorite things or stories about her. She was the best mother, grandmother, wife, sister, friend and mentor a person could have. She has taught me so much in the short time she was here, now it is up to me to remember them and live by them. I do so hope to make her proud. In honor of my mother I am asking all of you daughters and sons (or whom ever may be reading this) to please take the time today to call your parents and let them know that you love them, I would give anything to be able to say that to my mother just one more time!

~Angels walk among us~

This morning as I got out of bed I was flooded with memories of what I was doing one year ago today. Today one year ago we had my Mom's 57 Birthday party with my siblings. I had just moved in with Mom and Dad but had planned on going home on Friday night to see Matt and Lacey. We were going to return on Sunday for the party. My plans had been changed for me, by the weather. The roads were closed so Bridger and I stayed at at Mom's and hung out with Mom and Dad. I was so desperate for Matt and Lacey to be able to make it for the party. I just had this sick feeling it would be the last time on earth we would be celebrating her birthday with her. The Lord heard my pleas and the weather broke for the day, they jumped in the car and drove to Blackfoot to spend the day with us. When Mom woke up I noticed something, the white part of her eyes had turned yellow over night! I knew in my gut this was not good. I didn't want to alarm Mom so I didn't mention it to her. She later noticed while she was in the bathroom. I tried to play it off like a side effect from the chemo, knowing full well it wasn't. I got my phone out and started to text Lori. I felt she needed to get here as quickly as she could. Little did I know she was feeling the same way. It was decided and she went to work trying to change her flight. When she was successful we told mom the good news that Lori would be here in time to wish her a happy birthday the next day. Her reaction was not what I thought it would be. "Why? Does she think I am dying?" is what she said. We tried to tell her that Lori got a great deal if she changed her flight (so not true she really got screwed by the airlines! How can they feel good about making money like that! Lori even told them what was going on!) and wanted to be here for her retirement party that was going to be on Valentines day. After our story she was so excited that Lori was coming! We had a great day with mom. She had a friend stop by and mom was telling her how she wasn't giving up an she wanted to go the cancer treatment place in Colorado! I was so taken back by this. She was so tired and week but yet she was still willing to fight to stay with us as long as she could. As I was reliving these moments this morning I felt so close to my mom and at peace. I felt as if she were watching over me and protecting me. I have felt her before but never this strongly. I would soon realize why I felt her so strongly. As I turned the corner to Michelle's house to get in her car for our daily commute I had one last thought of Mom at her party last year and smiled. As soon as I got into Michelle's car we sat in silence for a while which is not like us, it was kind of a somber feel. We started chatting a bit, we got to the on ramp and there was a snow plow that would be right in our way if we didn't speed up or slow down, it has been lightly snowing and so Michelle took the safer route and slowed down, the line of cars behind us were staring to catch up the plow passed us so we went to get on, he started flicking big chunks of ice at us (why he had his plow down I don't know it was mostly light fluffy snow that was coming down causing it to be slick not packed!) so we slowed down a little more so we didn't get pelted with the ice. Then the jerk moved over to the side where the fresh new pile of VERY light snow was piling up next to the guard rail on the over pass, he proceeded to put his plow down and stir up all the fresh powder making it a COMPLETE white out for Michelle and I. It was the scariest feeling I have ever felt, we couldn't see his lights on the back of his truck we couldn't see the line of cars behind us we couldn't see to the side of us we had no idea where the guard rails were therefor we had no idea how far we had until we would have drove into them trying to fall off the side. Then we started to fish tail!!!! Michelle is a great driver and when she started to panic I really freaked out! She started yelling a four letter word over and over and screaming "WE ARE GONNA DIE!" I am screaming "RELAX, RELAX, RELAX!" We thought for sure it was over for us. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, a) we could have slammed into the back of the wonderful snow plow b)we could have slammed into the guard rail flipping us on our sides or even over the side of the over pass c) one of the many cars behind us could have ran into the back of us d) as we drifted into the other lane we could have hit someone else. Out of all of these possibilities none of them happened! We (we, like I had anything to do with it!) safely got the car under control the snow settled and we could see and we just kept driving to work. I have never ever been so sick to my stomach in my life! Michelle and I sat there with our mouths wide open wondering how in the world we had just made it through that without incident. It came to me it washed over my whole body, Mom was there, with the love and strength only a mother could have she guided that car safely to the other side so her two youngest daughters and her unborn grandson could go home safely tonight and kiss our kids and husbands. Then as we got passed by a truck in the back window was a name written in red it said "Kurt" it had a few things after it but I couldn't see it. So it was a team effort today my Mom and Michelle's son and the Lord brought us through untouched. I couldn't help but laugh at the situation, the laugh turned to tears. I am so thankful that even after her duties as my mother on this earth were over my mom continues to watch out for me and my family. So today I truly believe with out a doubt that, Angels walk among us!

*Here's your cake*

To one of my bestest sisters I wish I was closer to you so I could make you a real cake to wash away your sadness, however I am not! So this picture will have to do! But hey just think of all the calories your saving by me eating it! I LOVE YOU! CHEER UP CHARLIE! :-}

Busy weekend!

WOW is it over already?!?! How sad! Friday after work Lacey and I headed to get our hair done by Amanda, it was some much needed girl time! It was fun, then off to Wal-Mart to buy some supplies for a craft I decided to do at the last minute. I of course needed this craft done by the next morning so I plugged away until the wee hours of 1 a.m.! I was so tired Saturday morning when my alarm went off at 7! Never the less we got up and got ready to spend the first part of the day watching Tyler wrestle. Let me just say I am such a cry baby! I don't love watching Tyler wrestle, let me tell you why. I get so anxious and nervous that something bad will happen to him, (a couple weekends ago Matt went to watch him and a kid got his sternum broken!) when it is his turn my stomach is in knots my hands get sweaty and I start to bit my lip! It is hell for me until he is done and all is well! I really need some Valium! I tried very hard to relax in between his matches! I will say having Cylie to take care of does take my mind off of it so I don't think about it so much! Anyway Tyler did a FABULOUS job! He had 4 matches and pinned all 4 guys! I was very proud! He took first place!!! I hope by the time Brigder starts sports I am a more relaxed person if not I am going to give myself an ulcer!!!

After Tyler was done the girls headed to Old Navy I heard they were having a sale! The boys went to Sportsman's! After that it was time to head home! Lacey and Cylie and I headed to Wal-Mart for some last minute things for Sunday. We got home and watched a movie with the kids, then off to bed I went at 8:30!!! HAHAHA I am old I know! Sunday was Matt's birthday. He is always so hard to buy for, no matter the occasion you ask what he wants and his answer is "nothing"! Nice uh! So I ended up buying him a print called "Reflections" he has always wanted one and this time I thought far enough in advance to get it for him. Add a couple games for the wii and a new CD and that's what you get when you say "nothing".

Dad came over to watch the football game and we had nachos and other yummy food! It was funny Lacey went around and asked everyone who they wanted to win. All the boys said AZ she came to ask me and I say who do you want to win? She says she didn't know. So then I ask who Matt is going for, she says the Cardinals (except she could never say it right it was quite funny!) So then I say OK I want the Steelers then. She laughs and says me too! So it was girls against boys at our house! Let me just tell you we don't watch football at our house except once a year! The victory dance Lacey did was awesome! I wish I would have had my camera handy! After the game was over it was time to clean up the mess and get some laundry folded and put away! Now before I know it I am back at work trying my hardest to keep my eyes open! I am sooooo tired! Maybe I will go to bed early tonight, but really who am I kidding, probably not!

Lacey got a hold of the camera at some point yesterday and these were too cute not to post! Kinda random I know but too cute!