*SIGH*

Well here we are again, It's February.....SIGH! I will pull myself out of the sadness and post all of our December adventures and Tyler's birthday....sometime.....

ARRGHH!

My stinky computer is broken! I don't even know if this will post! Just a quick note to remember how I am feeling on this eve of Lacey's gallbladder surgery! I am sick about it! Just sick! I need my Momma by my side to hold my hand and tell me it will be fine. I am worried! What if something happens?? What will I do? I know it will be fine, just that nagging voice in the back of your head ya know? Do you have that voice too? Poor Lacey is very worried also, so I am holding my head high in hopes she won't notice my anxiety about the whole thing! I am thankful our wonderful neighbor Taylor is doing the surgery! Lacey is very good friends with his daughter so I know she is in good hands!! Just a Momma being worried about her kiddo is all! Well keep your fingers crossed! She will be in surgery at 8:30 am! If I am not on here again until Christmas, I pray you all have loved ones surround you on Christmas! I pray all your hearts are full of love and joy! Merry Christmas my friends!
Love Kim

Catch up...

Ok so I have decided why I have procrastinated so long to catch up, there is simply a ton to catch up on! I have also really questioned some of the events that have yet to be told. I want to save the memory, but I don't want to offend, hurt or confuse anyone that might read it. So if I do any of the above please know these are/were my feelings I can only process so much at a time, and dang it I did the best I could! So here goes let the catch up begin!

On September 30, 2010 my Dad got MARRIED! Crazy uh! He met a nice lady named Zeffie online and they met for the first time on July 3 ,2010. I knew right away after he got home it had been a different date then his other "first" (or only as we called them) dates. He actually liked her, when I asked if he would see her again his immediate reply was not "Um NO!" like the others had been. I was glad Dad was dating. I didn't find it odd or bothersome by any means. I hated watching him be alone. He eased us kids into his dating, it's not like Mom had only been gone a month! It had been 2 years, I was ok with him trying to find love. At times he wondered if it was really what he wanted, was he really ready for that? Mom left such a huge hole in his life, he missed her so much, everyday! He was very happy after his walk with Zeffie, he liked her. It soon grew to a I am heading to UT to see Zeffie every weekend, or she would come stay with her Daughter that lives close by. I kinda had a feeling we were headed towards a marriage. I didn't however think the weekend after my 31st birthday I would get a phone call from Dad saying "Just wanted to let you know Zeffie and I are getting married" *OK now here comes the I don't want to upset anyone part, but if I am going to keep it real I must tell it like it happened.* I then sucked it up, and said "Oh Dad, I am so happy for you" Which I was 100% happy for him, but the tears where on the verge of letting out, I knew I had to get off the phone RIGHT away. I didn't want to let him know I was sad, because at that moment I myself didn't know why I was sad. I sobbed, I fell to the floor and just cried the second I got off the phone. I knew this day was going to come, so what happened? Why was I so upset? I couldn't make sense of anything. I knew that once again, my life was going to change. I hate change, in fact I loathe it! So there was that looming over me. I knew I was sad because Dad would obviously be moving. My kids already lost their Grandma and now their Grandpa was leaving them too! That was one reason I was so sad the other took a long time for me to process. Then the real reason came to the surface, I don't know how long it took for me to realize the pain. It was the finality of it. I had to come to terms that YES MY MOTHER WAS REALLY DEAD! She wasn't on some long vacation having a good time that she was going to return from, I have to live the rest of this life without her! That was a very hard thing to come to terms with. Even now as I type it I'm crying again. Lacey was a little concerned how Zeffie would fit in, would she try to take the place of her closest friend? She was not very happy. Bridge was sad his best Grandpa was going to be gone. Poor little Cylie didn't have a clue. Let me just tell you, my Dad and Cylie have this bond that I can't explain. I know with all my soul that Cy was sent to us to heal our hearts, and for Dad she was a good part of the reason he got up in the morning some days. Now fast forward 2 and a half months. We miss Dad alot, but we have a new member of our family that has meshed well! She makes my Dad so very happy! Cylie loves her to pieces she calls her Grandma Zeppie. Let me tell ya it's very sweet to see Zeffie interact with the kids. I am so thankful to her for loving my kids even though they aren't her children's children. Lacey loves hanging with Zeffie she thinks she is very cool! I was a little nervous how Bridge would do with it all, but when I tell him Grandpa is coming home, his first question is, Is Zeffie coming too? He loves to see her too! It has been nice to see my Dad smile again. Zeffie has complemented him so nicely. Zeffie lost her sweet husband 8 years ago, so she understand the pain Dad has, she never seems to feel jealous of the love Dad has for Mom and would never try to take her place. For this I will always be grateful! So dear reader I have a Step Mom! HAHAHA! Weird to say uh! Here is a picture of the cute couple.I know with all my heart Mom would love Zeffie, they would've been friends, they are similar! I am happy that Zeffie has joined our family, now let's just see if she can hang with the Crazy Barton Clan! HAHAHA! Good luck!!!

Lessons...

Ok dear world here I am in all my funk! Haha! I haven't been writing because I didn't want to be all doom and gloom all the time on here, well last night I learned something, well I am not sure if I learned anything yet, time will tell if I change my ways. Anyway what I came across changed my thinking on sharing my doom and gloom...hold on tight I will explain! A few days ago I realized I couldn't find a purchased Christmas gift! I can't help it, it's hereditary! My Mother always was loosing gifts she had stored in a "special" place that she wouldn't forget! Anyways my searching lead me to my parents bed room, I was digging in closets and under things. Well I found an envelope that contained letters my Mom had written to my Grandma along with other things my mom and or grandma had kept from the years. Our weeding announcements, baby shower invites, some of Michelle's basketball memories that had run in the local news, some thank you notes and a special card I had made my Grandma! Haha it was priceless! I loved reading my mother's written words to her mother. One letter was almost to hard to read. It was a letter she had written after Kurt died. As hard as it was to read, I didn't want to stop. How I long for any connection with my Mom. In another letter I loved reading how excited she was that the kids and I were coming to stay with her the next weekend. Another told how excited she was the Christmas that Brook and Bridger were born. I know my mother loved each and everyone of us! I know she was devastated when her grandson was taken from us. I know she was soooo excited to get two new grand babies for Christmas, but to read it, to have physical proof that she really did feel that way, it was simply AMAZING! I wish there was a whole room filled with things like this but sadly it was contained to a small manila envelope. As I sat there on her bed, I felt her say well Kimmie what are you gonna do? I tell ya what I am going to do.....I am promising myself to be better at journaling, even if it's in the form of this blog. It will be here for my kids to read and say "oh man my Momma does love me"! So there it is my friends the lesson I am choosing now to learn! I must leave behind something for my kids to read and have a connection with, I must also do my best while we are all together to show them my love and let them feel special! As I have learned time can be cut short, and I don't want my kids to ever feel alone. I want them to have many things to look back on and have physical proof that I love them all and let them know that life isn't always going to be sunshine and fun, even though I wish it were! Sometimes things get dark and sad, but you know what IT'S OK! Maybe the things I have to deal with will help them somehow! But what if I am not here to share it? Well that's when they will have to look to my written word for advice! So here it is Christmas time, my Mother's favorite time of year, that I try to love as much as I did before she left. I won't lie, it's hard, really really hard. But I will find the time to enjoy it. I will find the joy in my little ones hearts as they love this time of year. I will be posting a lot more from now on so keep in touch!

Need a smile??

I sure do! I just have such a heavy heart right now so in order to change my spirits I looked at these....ENJOY!SEE you feel better now don't you! HEHE! Man I just love this kid!

Vote for Lacey!!

So my Lacey Lu threw her hat in the political ring! She is running for 6th grade student council! I am so proud of her! I must admit I am not sure why she decided to do it! She is kind of shy in big groups and she doesn't like giving speeches or talks! At first I thought she was doing it because some of her friends were, Nope. Then I thought oh a cute boy must be doing it, nope that wasn't it either! So maybe she just really is interested! HA! Either way whatever her reasons are I am a super proud Momma today! I never would've had the courage to put myself out there like that and run for an office! We had fun making posters, sadly I didn't get any pictures before she took them to school, we made stickers to pass out and these cute shirts with her slogan for Lacey and 4 friends to wear! I hope she does well!

*Side note I know you are all dying to hear about how the tooth pain is, well, $2,000 later and 2 (so far) dentist visits later and I am on the mend. Sadly it wasn't a baby tooth causing the pain it was the one behind it so I didn't dare let them pull it so I got to have a root canal! IT WAS AWFUL! They had to do it in two visits because my roots are bent over. The first visit I cried so much I felt like a dang baby! Oh well all that hurts now is the BILL! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Oh ya thanks Lori for saving my butt once again! LOVE YOU!

Still here...

Pain, Pain go away, Please don't EVER COME BACK! Why was I blessed with such awful teeth? Why do I have such anxiety when I have to go? My mouth has been hurting for a while. I keep ignoring it because I know it is going to cost an arm and a leg to fix. Ya see I was blessed missing two permanent teeth so I have to baby teeth left, well I think they have lasted as long as they are going to. THEY ARE KILLING ME! I can't ever find a dentist I trust that doesn't hurt me, or charge me a small fortune. Why can't I find one that will take payments and not treat me like a criminal for not being able to pay them all at once? WHY OH WHY? I hate finding a new dentist. I have to though, the pain is starting to give me an earache, I almost can't function anymore. But then the thought of the dentist sets in and I start to have a panic attack. UGH! Am I alone in this feeling? I know they aren't mean people that want to hurt me, I hate that I can't get over my childhood trauma. So here I sit trying to figure out my next step!! I don't know how much more I can take!

I keep meaning to bring my camera to load pictures for a new post but I keep forgetting! Sorry, I will try to remember!! I hope you are all well!