Thursday, August 26, 2010
Hmmppfftt.....
I have been stewing about this since last night, so maybe if I get it out I won't beat myself up over it. Or you all will confirm for me that I am indeed a bad person. Either way it will be out of my hands! Last night as I was at Curves minding my own business I hear two ladies talking about Dr. Dixon. Well I know right away what kind of Dr. he is, my Mother went to him as well. They go on and on about what a FABULOUS Dr. he is. I think "Oh ya such a great Dr. couldn't save my mom!" The more I listen the more I am irritated by the conversation. Then the one very nice lady says to the other lady how long has it been. Nice lady #2 says it's been 7 years free of cancer. I wanted to hurt her. I know this isn't rational. I am so happy she won the fight! I am so grateful her kids don't have to go through what myself and my siblings are. But at the same time I wanted to scream, WHY DID YOU GET TO WIN BUT NOT MY MOM???? I know it's not her fault Mom had to leave. I also had these feelings as I watched the survivors take their survivor lap at the Relay for Life the year after Mom passed away. I couldn't help but feel resentment towards them. I haven't been back to a Relay since. I don't like feeling this way towards survivors! I should celebrate them and thank the heavens that some people do win. So now I am stuck, is this normal to feel or man am I really a mean person for being mad they won???
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I'm not really an expert on normal feelings. I am as screwed up as they come. What I will tell you is this...they are your feelings. It doesn't matter if it is rational or not. That is how you feel right now. Will you always feel that way...probably not. But for now...we are still a bit angry about the whole thing. Cancer sucks. Plain and honest emotion right there. I am glad you didn't say anything to the unsuspecting Curves ladies. Dr. Dixon tried his best. Mom only had a 30% chance of beating it to begin with. She tried, the doctors tried....we lost. Whether it is right or not....anger is what we have. I am sorry that you live in the small town that it all happened in. I honestly don't know how you face it all every day. You are a strong woman and I know (given time) that you will over-come the anger and find some peace. You are amazing and I love you. When I get there we can be bitter shrews together!! (Cause that's helpful!!) <3
ReplyDeleteNo one can say it better than Lori can! I do know that I have felt the same way: resentment to someone who's situation/outcome was different than my own. And, I am about as normal as they come (insert hysterical laugh here). Your a trooper girl!
ReplyDeleteLori said it beautifully, I agree! What an amazing sister you have :) What amazing sisters all of you are to each other. My thoughts for what they are worth...you are still grieving. Somedays are better than others I'm sure - but be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel and to let those feelings eventually heal your heart and your spirit. Listen Kimmie - listen for the healing to happen - listen and hear and remember your mom speaking to you telling you what to do and how to do it. Listen to the Savior! I know there are days when I will be doing something and just start to cry as I think about my dad and I just want to hear him again and see him and touch him. Then I wrap up in his sweater or cover up with the quilt made out of his clothes and then I just listen and he talks to me and tells me how to keep going and how to be happy and I remember what he used to say and somehow it makes me feel better. I can't begin to understand loosing a parent to cancer but I do understand loosing a parent and my heart aches for you! Just grieve when you have to and then find joy the rest of the time! You aren't crazy ~ totally normal as far as I'm concerned!!! I love you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love what Lori and Rozla said. I have no idea whatsoever what you're going through, so I can't give much good advice, but I will say that I love you.
ReplyDeletemy little sweetheart!! At least you can own your feelings!! That is the first step!! You are not mean, you are human. The whole situation is not what any of us think we signed up for, but most likely did and just don't remember!! hahahahaha, because we knew that Mom was the best Mom ever even if that meant having to go on for a bit without her!!! We can't change what is and that is what sucks the most!! But know that we understand what you are feeling and are here for you and Mom is with you ALWAYS, she is always laughing at what you say, because she gets our humor, she is always cheering for you, and she is sad when you are sad and is lifting you up and getting you through the day!!! This I know, it is all I know, but I do KNOW it. She is waiting for us, so all we can do is do our best and I know that is what you are doing. You are more than a good person you are GREAT!! I love you and can't imagine life without you!! Thanks for being such a great sister!!!!
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