LIFE....

Life, it's a funny little thing isn't is....man I am grateful for mine!

Love notes....

One of the many hard things that I have been worried about with this new phase of life was...will I loose Tyler....will he still want to have a relationship with me? It has been very heavy on my heart. I love that young man! I have loved him since he was 3 and I was his "dirlfriend"! I knew it was a possibility that I could loose him. It's been a pretty rough month with health issues and issues with Matt not going so well, and yesterday when I was pretty down and out I got this email from Tyla Jay ( we have called him that for years!)

Mom,

I've done a lot better This week and I received a blessings and its most definitely helped! We taught a total of 34 lessons this week! We have 6 people on date and 4 are in the month of May and on the same week!

Don't worry about me though Mom, I'm sorry you are going through so much right at this moment. Know you are always in my prayers. YOUR son is always here. You raised me as well. You are blood to me Mom. Always will be!!!!!

Love you!

Elder Tyler Jay Melicharek

 

I cried when I read this, big ol crocodile tears. That boy has such a special place in my heart. The fact that he loves me and doesn't want to let our relationship go either, makes this process a little easier. I am grateful he is on a Mission away from this drama. He has such a tender heart so I know this would be killing him. I am so glad he is in tune with what I needed and sent me a note to reassure me. I am so grateful to his Mother for sharing him with me. I am now faced with sharing my kids...and let me say, I didn't realize how hard of a task that was. In fact I should probably reach out and Thank Angie! Tyler is such an amazing son, brother and friend. I am grateful he calls me Mom!

It's all in my mind....

So for the past few years I have tried very hard to try and be optimistic....the problem is, the harder I try to see the good and have a happy attitude, I am thrown with another loop and hurdle to get through. It's kind of frustrating! It makes me want to give up on trying to be make the best of life's lumps. However, I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer...you know the one, that NEVER, NO MATTER what, has a nice thing to say about anyone or anything! So alas I try to hold my head high despite the fact that my life is kinda in the dumps right now. Both personally and physically. I am sure the physical part is a result of the personal part. It's sad and depressing to think I did this to my body. I have made it sick. I have eaten my emotions for the last oh I don't know 7 years!!! I feed my emotions, happy, sad, lonely, miserable, excited, celebratory, confused, lost, desperate.....all of them, I FEED THEM! It's a horrid cycle. But it's time to put my life back in order. Allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. I may not understand why I am feeling it, but I need to at least acknowledge and validate them, then choose to let them go or find a way to make things better, or just plain enjoy the emotion. I have poisoned relationships by cutting people out that I should let in. I have let myself down for not fully living, but by just merely "getting through" life. I need to stop. It's an awful empty way to live. So weather life chooses to keep throwing me hurdles I am still going to try to remember to HAVE AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!!!

Learning....

My life has been full of learning about myself as of late. It's a journey I didn't realize I needed to go on until I was in the middle of it. I have learned, I am bitter, easy to judge, harsh in my words, and hard on myself. I have forgotten that this life needs to have joy and laughter in it. Not so many put downs and anger. I need to let go of things I can't change or mistakes I have made and carried with me for years. Mistakes don't define a person. However they do change you and shape who you can become, for good or bad. Depending on which road you choose. I heard something the other day that made me ponder about my life....The storm doesn't define who you are, it reveals who you are. I am not sure I like what this storm has revealed. The great thing is I can change it! I can and I will. Life is good. It might not be what I imagined it being....in fact I can say it doesn't even slightly resemble what I pictured what my life would be like. But that doesn't make it a bad life...it's just different. So here is to putting my best foot forward. I am sure I will stumble, and even fall. But I will get back up and keep trying. The only thing standing in my way is myself and it's time I get the hell out of my own way!!!! :)

So much change....

Well it's almost been a year since I posted. I was never sure what to say, I didn't want to over share, or alarm any one. So I kept to myself. Let's just say this last year has been a hard one. I learned a lot about my self, my family, my kids and who my friends are. I am still in scary unfamiliar water at times. I am unsure of myself and my choices. I pray to one day know for certain I made the best choice. Sadly I am sure that affirmation won't come until I meet my maker, if it is to come at all. I have learned I may not know everything, but what I don't know or understand I have a great support system that can shed light for me. I am once again learning what wonderful sisters and best friends I have. Becky has been so insightful, never judging, always loving and always team Kim. I am sad to say when she has met adversity in her life I haven't always been around. I am truly grateful that we are so close now. I value her advice and friendship beyond any measure. I was truly blessed when Becky came into my life in the 3rd grade! I have been really wishing I had my Mom's love and guidance this last year. It's been hard not to have her in my corner in a physical sense, I know she is still here, it's just not the same. I am so glad my Sister's have been here for me though. My life would be incomplete without them. As my kiddos and I move forward with our new phase of life, I hope to be able to update more and share our journey. I hope you have all been well. This week is the dreaded hell week. So far, there have been no crying fits of rage or sadness. So as long as we can survive tomorrow, things might start looking up.

Something that spoke to my soul....

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.

If you are kind,
people my accuse you of ulterior motives.
BE KIND ANYWAY

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
BE HONEST ANYWAY.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
DO GOOD ANYWAY.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.

IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY
~Mother Teresa~

Life.......

It's ever changing, it has it's ups and downs. It has times where I feel all will be OK, and times where I question everything I have ever known. Life, it's so complex. The second I feel as if I have a grasp on what I need to do, or not do, something changes, I question everything all over again. I suppose that is the purpose of this life. To find my own path, create good times, make sure my children know I love them with all my soul. It's time I find a path that I can feel good about everyday. One that makes me a better person. It's time I figure out who this Kim person really is. Even though I know it's time, it still scares me. It's hard to let go of everything I have ever known. Some days I think I am strong enough, and some days I know I'm not. So I guess I will cry myself through this time in life, and try to laugh too! I will do my best to be the best Mom I can be, and the rest will fall into place....right?